How to Recover from Infidelity and Cheating


So, you've cheated on your spouse. You had an affair - lengthy or otherwise. It's a serious yet all too common occurrence, especially in the age of online dating, where the temptation and ability to cheat is incredibly accessible.

The main question that many cheaters ask themselves after being discovered is: can we recover from this? The short answer to this question: "Yes, but…" The long answer is that you can recover from infidelity and cheating if you are willing to take the right steps on the path to relationship recovery. The following is a guide to help your relationship recovery from your infidelity and cheating.

Recover from Cheating

Step One: Talk to your spouse about moving forward

It is not impossible for a couple to recover after one of them has cheated or had an affair. In fact, many spouses prefer to work on the relationship rather than leave, especially if they have been together for a long time.

The first thing you should do is talk to your spouse about your desire to recover from this. This can include apologizing for your hurtful actions and be sure to read up on how to properly apologize so that you don't blame them for your behavior; as well as putting forth a plan for recovery. Don't try to get too detailed yet, as the wounds to your partner will still be fresh.

Step Two: Cut off your affair partner(s)

The next thing you need to do is immediately and fully cut off contact with your affair partner or partners. Depending on your partner's wishes, they may want to see your messages with your affair partner before you remove them from your phone, email and other methods of communication. Once that aspect if finished, delete their number and block them on every front. This includes on social media--even if they aren't following you. This will tell your partner that you are serious about stopping the affair(s) and cheating by refusing to contact your former affair partners.

Step Three: Be honest about the affair but don't let it take over your day

It's important that you be honest about the affair with your partner. This includes answering questions they have about certain details, such as questions like "Were you with her that time I called you and you said you couldn't pick up because you were in a library?" One thing to remember is that it's better to be honest about the details now, then have your spouse suddenly find something out 6 months into the healing process, which would tear open their wounds and put you both back right at the beginning.

However, while you should be honest about what went on with the affair, you should avoid letting your partner obsess over the affair to the point that it takes over the entire day. For example, your partner should not be reading and re-reading messages you and your former affair partner for hours on end. This is not healthy and will only lead to resentment and an inability to move on.

A good rule of thumb is the "20 minute rule." This means that you and your partner can talk about the affair and related situations for 20 minutes each day. The 20 minute time frame allows both of you to approach each other with honest, open discussion without it turning into hours of obsession, fighting, and resentment building.

Step Four: Find a licensed therapist that deals with infidelity

A professional third party who is licensed and experience in dealing with couples who want to recover from cheating is ideal when you want to repair your relationship. A therapist experienced with this type of relationship recovery will be able to give both you and your spouse the tools and knowledge necessary to begin repairing your relationship. It will also help both parties to have a third party who can approach the situation without getting emotional.

Step Five: Give it time

The biggest step to recovering after infidelity is to simply give it time. Having an affair is something that completely destroys your spouse's trust in you, and that trust will take a long time to even come close to being repaired. During this recovery time period, you need to be patient with your spouse and never feel that you should "rush" the recovery process, as this will only lead to resentment down the line.